Finding yourself again after an upheaval is a daunting task. The recent, very public cancellation of Smriti Mandhana’s wedding to Palash Muchhal has brought this idea to the fore.
We reached out to two psychologists for guidance on how to return to focusing on your own mental wellbeing, with the support of counsellors and loved ones, and how to move ahead after any massive, life-changing moment.
First steps
Meghna Karia, a Mumbai-based senior psychologist and psychotherapist, reminds us, “Self-esteem will not be rebuilt overnight. Viewing yourself from a different lens and walking through the transition takes time.” She advises first acknowledging one’s feelings and validating emotions, from grief to anger. Secondly, identify those who provide safe space.
Mandhana and Palash Muchhal. Pics courtesy/Female cricket, Palash muchhal on Instagram
“Talking to like-minded people, and focusing on strengths and values which have served you earlier, foster better self-esteem,” she says, adding the necessity of an emotional outlet like journalling, or a daily ‘brain dump’, like taking a stroll, following a self-care routine, and eating healthfully. Recent visuals of Mandhana resuming training before the series with Sri Lanka, are indicative of healthy first steps in the right direction.
Make small habits
Karia emphasises the importance of carving out an identity for oneself again, which can easily go for a toss after a break-up, the loss of a close one, or an obstruction in one’s career.
Finding joy in everyday activities and connecting with loved ones helps you rebuild a sense of self. Representation pics/istock
“Continue engaging with things and people that are important to you. It shows you are worthy enough to live well, despite the adversity. Set intentions about what you want; change your dressing styles to boost your confidence, or come back to something simpler that you haven’t worn in a while; further, you may join a new community, like a reading club, to connect with new people. Also, consider trying out a new skill or recreational activity,” she recommends.
Set boundaries
This is especially applicable to those with a significant social media identity, which comes with its own expectations. Swati Khanolkar, clinical psychologist and director of In Vivo-Mumbai Centre for REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy) points out, “Disengage if you can. If you want to engage, know the distinction between facts and opinions; social media mostly contains biased opinions and unsound assumptions.”
Keep an eye out for harmful coping mechanisms like stress-eating and overconsumption
Meanwhile, Karia suggests limiting social media use: “Re-curate feeds, un-follow accounts with draining content, and remind yourself of why you started [your online page or portfolio].” Beyond the Internet, set clear boundaries in person too. Both professionals caution against giving others the ‘story’ they want, especially at the cost of your own mental health.
Reframe your mindset
Feeling shame or self-blame is common after upheavals such as a break-up, or a missed career or educational opportunity. Khanolkar prompts us to define [relations and opportunities] as valuable to oneself, and not the other way around.
Take a social media break, especially if you are often under scrutiny of the public eye
“Your personal worth can’t be diminished if a relationship [or opportunity] ceases to exist.” Karia strongly suggests exercises, including writing a self-compassion letter, and using grounding techniques. “Breathing exercises, meditation, or guided imagery will bring you back to the present, so your thoughts don’t spiral.”
Note unhealthy signs
Often, people spiral into unhealthy coping patterns. Khanolkar lists a few signs to watch out for, “People operate at extremes; either they go into denial-mode and distract themselves by being busy, or they let it consume themselves and stop engaging in regular life.”
Engaging with your passions is crucial, as it helps rediscover meaning and purpose
Karia adds that someone experiencing intense loss or a shock can turn to substance abuse, saying, “This also includes excess caffeine consumption and using junk food as a go-to space, which in turn leads to weight gain and unhealthy relationships with food.” It may be time to seek professional help if you experience bouts of anxiety, loneliness, prolonged emotional suppression, or breakdowns, hampering daily living. Both recommend CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy), especially REBT.
Give it time
Meghna Karia and Swati Khanolkar
Above all, there is no specific duration for healing. Khanolkar reveals, “Healthy recovery is not defined by time but by functionality. Ask yourself: Can you still engage with other parts of life and experience satisfaction despite the pain of your adversity?” Likewise, Karia assures us that, if you regulate your emotions well, you will likely have greater insight into yourself, and know what will serve you best.